Homesickness

Its so late I'm not sleepy, no, its not due to Insomnia, I'm not an insomniac, I am "homesick".
It never happened that I stayed away from my family ever, but in past few days something happened in my life which has led me to this situation where no one is close to me except my pillow and my Blackberry. Few days back I had a fight with my mom, the reason was so stupid and invalid (I don't want my mum to appeared as so stupid by telling y'all the reason) and I know things wouldn't have taken this shape if my younger siblings haven't intervened. I,a kind of a girl who keeps calm when my parent shout at'em, never talk back but this time I went against myself and I got myself belted with mother! I fought for only one demand, and all I demanded is the same respect from my younger siblings which  I pay to my parent (I am like a parent to'em as I am the eldest among all), but when I see  things going too beyond my limits, I throw my hands up!! They always take me for granted and its just becuz I have never behaved an elder sissy to'em doesn't mean they will disgrace me in such a pathetic way, that is totally beyond the pale. I always told mumma if my siblings don't know how to give an amount of respect I deserve, then I do not think I'd be staying in this house anymore, I asked her to warn'em but she did not. Aaaaand then I exaggerated the matter, the biiiig argument took place between me and mumma, which led to a big fight due to the interruption of my siblings, and I at last had to leave my house, I do not blame mother for whatever had happened , I will not complain that why didn't she stopped me to leave, why didn't she told my kinfolk to shut their big-fat-smelly-gob, why didn't she tell them to ask for n apology to me as they were talking and fighting with their big sister, I have always tried to be a good and a responsible sister to'em, I have left no leaves unturned jus to make'em smile and happy, I have never a bad- mouthed in front of'em, I always respect them as my dearest brother and sister, I always wanted to keep a sister cum friend relationship with'em and THERE where I failed :( They are so ungrateful. I will never ask mumma that why she shouted and told me to "get out of the house". I know she did what was right for the situation. As I said I don't get angry so fast , I try to ignore fights and argument BUT when it hits me I just don't care about the consequences. That moment I was angry cuz of my mother's taciturnity as well as hurt cuz my siblings just went on and on, they did not stop throwing cold water at me. I was crying and shivering, I dunno shivering out of anger or emotion? I really dunno that. There were so many emotions which were bubbling beneath the surface. But yea I know that at that point anger got the best of me and I rebelliously took the decision of leaving house. It was 1200 hrs at night I came out of my house without thinking where would I go, what will I do next. I--I-I just left. I went out to the road, it was so dark and silence. I felt like I had been fallen down from a parachute and trying to find out a way to go out of this isolated area. I felt like a traveler with in the midst of a desert, I felt like I am lost in a jungle with no maps and direction. But there is a saying "jiska koi nahi hota, uska khuda hota hai" (he who has God, has no despair) I felt so lucky when I saw a cab down the road, I felt relax, I did not know where I would be going. *Tring-ring* Baby's number appeared on my mobile screen having a wallpaper of me hugging my mum. Tear ran down my cheeks. I was not surprised when his call came to ask me what happened, as I knew someone has already played the part of a snitch-bitch from my family. I told him everything, until now he had just heard the one sided story which mumma narrated to him, being little annoyed with the incident I taunted him crankily "didn't mumma not tell you the story of Mahabharat in our house??" I can never control the bitch inside me!! He said he wanted to hear my part of story as well. I said whatever happened and I tell y'll I never uttered a lie. He did not ask me anymore questions, did not stick his opinions on me, he just said "ghar aa jaon, mere paas" (come to me, at my place) I was presuming he would ask me to go back home but when he said those comforting words to my ears I felt so blessed. Praise to Jezz as he is the source of such people. He is so supportive I swear.Kolkata is still safe somewhere , When I reached his place I did not call mumma, I did not even let baby call and inform her that I am safe now, Let her tear her hair thinking where I'd vanished in that mid of the night. I jus felt to severe the tie with my mum but I didn't cuz I knew, she is not wrong, we all are her children and she cant be bias to anyone, may be it was her confidence on me that she thought I will be able to make it  and yes she was is right. Anyway, after 2 days staying at baby's place I decided to move in to a new house, of course In my new house! *flummoxed*  whoa whoa whoa, hold on sweople, I am not too rich to buy a house or flat, I know it take an arm and a leg. I decided to take a flat on lease. Touchwood I have saved money for a rainy day. Thank to my bestie who taught me to save money saying that you never know when life takes a bad turn, He taught me to save money! I'm blessed to have him, what does he say, aah Alhamdulillah. 

my backbone and my support system

I took my bag (which hardly had any useful stuffs except my phone and wallet) and reached is home in a cab.
So ladies and gentlemen I have bought a home sweet home for myself with my OWN money. Really hard earn money always pays well. But I was never a person who follows a penny saved is a penny earn types shit, Errr... but I will have to say.. It does have a lot of meaning and the truth inside. Buying a new house was a problem, ya'knw like searching a better house with a better room condition and with the bestest localities and a friendly environment. Though I have succeeded but then staying alone is a great task for me, I who never ever stayed away from a family, from my mum, how am I gonna manage ya?? I kid you not, staying alone is more painful than getting hurt. How will I do it...?? I feel scared, insecure and incomplete without my mum, I remember when she used to leave me home alone when she used to visit nanna sometime, even then also I used to maska maaro (butter polishing) my girlfriend to stay over my place. And now how will I do it, God, please help. give me the strength to fight with my loneliness. Last night was the first night in my new house and I was not getting sleep, Yes, I ain't sleepy. I wanted to talk to someone & keep me busy till the dawn. I wanted to call someone, a friend who asks me why I was I awake so late. A friend who talks to me and never feel irritated as my nonsense talk  keep him/her  awake. Its not that I did not try to reach my friends, I tried calling few, some of'em had became deaf my their ear & some of'em had became deaf by their heart. Some had kept their phone silence by routine & some has kept it dumb by purpose, there are friends whom I could call, but I knew, among'em few are the ones I did't wanna disturb & few are the ones who wouldn't wanna get disturbed by me and that unearthly hours! Its very easy to call for someone when u're in need but its takes a true heart to give answer when u're called for help, It takes one blink of assurance to convey the word "I am there".
 My homesickness is teaching me lot of things. It has showed me the difference between a true friend & a fair-weather friend. I have realized that "when some one falls down, there are many hands to push it down, but when one wants to get up & rise, there is not even a single finger to give it the support it needs." THIS IS WORLD, A SELFISH WORLD AND I BELONG TO THIS WORLD.

No matter what, I love my Mum

Miss you Appa

 I miss mum, I am helpless I cannot go to her, I want her to make my siblings realize that they are wrong, to ask'em to say sorry to me, and tell me (I don't even want'em to  beg or request) to come back HOME. I miss my Appa (dad), I am he would never let things happened like this if he would be here, He would have given a karara chamaat (tight slap) on my brother's black cheek and would have turned it red!! I miss you Dad, I can feel the lack of you presence. God gives peace to your soul. I will never go back unless they do not come to me, Its nothing about ego guys, this time I have kept my dignity and my self respect at stake.

Just Another day!

Hello Ladies....

           Today its 14th Feb, A Valentine's day. Where all the couples are planning to go out for a candle light dine, for gifts and presents and flowers, for a long promenade hand in hand, someone must have already thought to ask their gurl's hand for marriage (thinking its a right time to pop the question as the gurl might get on the rocks to say NO :p), to kiss and make up, its a day of Red and Black, its a day of heart shaped balloons floating in the sky, cards & roses (specially red bunches) & obviously a day for lots of promotion in stores to make people go through damages in buying solitaires & diamonds! *banao banao, aur chutiya banao* (make fool out of everyone) and here is Me, on the other hand celebrating the Tom's in Town. hmph!! It had made it a just another day for me, nothing special today types. I tell you my stomach is paining so badly , I think all my guts are playing "tug-of-war" and the half of it can come out at any moment! I am not feeling good, i am feeling so restless, so finicky as a cat, Its the day when i am not in best of my moods... Baby called me twice to change my mood, to make me laugh and convincing me to go out, but nothings worked out except I ended throwing nails at him without any reason. Sorry baby for behaving such a bitch to you, its not your fault at all, Its me who is in a don't-mess-with-me mood today *pout*

      I Think I should go into hibernation mode which may include doing absolutely nothing but jus pressing a pillow against my stomach and hiding my face into the cushion, I do not want to do something or say something for which I regret later. Mumma please turn off the light and you outta of the door!! Pah-leez!

Later huns

Bubye *pout*‬

Sent from BlackBerry® on Airtel

Apu's Wedding Was Awesome!!!

Ello Sweople!! How ya'll have been doing... Gr8? Fantastic? Good? Not Good or Bitchy?? I know, this changing weather is effecting on our daily moods too, innit? I think It  has made me go under the weather twice in a week.Whatever, I wanna tell ya'll bout a super wedding ceremony I have attended before I hit the blanket to get some sweat which will sweep the fever off my body (mumma used to say this). I cannot just imagine that few days back I was looking so beautiful with the make up ofcource in the wedding and now I am looking like a tucked chicken in a blanket :(

oh my my! look at me just look at me ;)

love this saree, Baby has gifted me this saree and said "wear it if u wanna look good on the wedding day" whaaaaaat? HawHawHaw  Haw mean of u baby to say like that! but I can excuse u for this cuz the fact that you bought something for me *with love*. I am not so comfy in sarees, I don't wear'em cuz I cant handle it well, I get basophobia, (though it never leads me to not want to stand up at all) nevertheless I wore it. I think I did quite a justice with baby's thought *shrug*

sweat and heat of a blanket has made me a boiled chicken

and now look at me... I never thought I would look so ugly in double the amount of beautiful I looked in the wedding, I wish fever extinct like dinosaurs. Fever doesn't cut it off, I will still blog and fight with you moron.
Anyway, one good thing which gave me wings is my pictures are 100 times more than the bride [not boasting hun, kasam se (I swear)] and the bad things was everyone in the wedding was hitting the same question like a bullet at me!! everyone was like tum kab kar rahi ho shaadi (when are you getting married) ?? At one point of time I wondered if I have not come in some family settlement questionnaire. This is why I hate to attend any marriage, cuz I get bummed when people look at me, give a pathetically irritating smile and say "you are next"! Arrrgh !! how badly I wanna see'em in someone's funeral and tell'em the same phrase wickedly.. Oh God, Please forgive me for this Such a bitch I am. Anyway, I am a self-dependent and a grown up girl ya, I know I will definitely get married when I will feel the time is right, I have a person who loves me with no string attached, he never forces his decision on me then why you people are so bothered about it, Yeah I don't mind with their faaltu questions as long as they admittedly want to invest their money for my marriage :p, I dunno, mumma also irritates me asking the same question some time (where do I go now??) "do you think your damaad ji (son-in-law) will run away by trampling over your daughter's pride and crushing her love and affection?? Really?" [arched eyebrow] Perhaps you need to reinterpret your data so that you would never think like that again. honey I don't wanna spoil my mood by talking about all of urs nonsense questions! *bah*.
So Where were we? Ah! The wedding ... Refresh it again with some beautiful pics :)

Ain't we look made for each other ?

 

Two very important men in my life!!(Baby and my BFF, Love'em to bits)

 There was a time when I was never into Social Networking that much.But now I am amazed seeing the menu wall of my Blackberry. Its full of so many Social Apps :D

 
Somehow I feel social networking has played an important role in my life, It has improved me being more friendly and  extrovert, It had got me the most wonderful BFF in my life (Yes, I met him on FB) and I am happy to see that my baby's  relatives supposed to be my would be in laws know me without even meeting me before, not even once just because of FB. They know me though Facebook... hahahaha.. It really gives me an immense feeling that I am sososo so famous on FB, I sometime get worried as well cuz they all stalk on me and my oh-not-their-types Pics and statuses *biting nails*. So what, everything doesn't come handy. Everything has some pros and cons, even Life is a part of it. Sometime it gives us so much and sometime nothing. Sometime its a bowl of cherries and sometime it throws lemon at us.But ya'know This is Life and so it will e but you do not stop living.. innit?
I gotta go now before my boss peeps in again.. You know why.. I told ya'll that I use my office PC to blog, don't ya'll remember?? never mind. Isse pehle that horse faces bitch comes to check on me and I do that same mistake I did last time, Imma logging of preserving my good memories with ya'll. Enjoy it and Enjoy life too..
Bubye... Tatas!!

 

Uhh That Bitch!!!

Kutti, kameeni, haraman, dayawaani, Mother Teresa ki amma!!! These words, these precious words are for no one but just for me, becuz I am the only deserving person among all who always put their butt onto the oven. Arey yaar! What did I want? Just to wish someone on her birthday & make her feel special, feel good. I have heard about a phrase "forgive & forget" but I guess some people should strictly go through the meaning of these golden words as they close their heart to others. They cover their ears so that they can't hear what is true (selective hearing ya see). Just to unheard what other people have to say, they shout at the top of their lung so loud if its little more, their lungs would come out to their mouth through their throat *snort*. I will not whine here much & will come straight to the topic for which I have this post here. One of my friend's Ex girl became a friend with me,who I thought would be a friend. But she proved me wrong & appeared to me my friend's Ex ONLY. I knew I have fuel on one hand & fire on the other, still I have kept both of them at their own & separated places nevertheless. Being my friend's well wisher I tried hard to get them back together, but I failed, the thought of being THE FEVICOL consider it to be myself becuz I wanted to arrange their pieces of broken heart together occurred in me when I started talking to the girl, then after when I realised that they can never come along however I try,I had quit of thinking to see both of them in a family picture, they are like two shores of a lake, which will never be together, they are like chalk & cheese.
Since I started talking to this girl, I liked her company, I like the way we used to discuss things, we used to make fun of others & giggle, we used to correct each other & give the right advise, becoming each others fashion consultant, giving snide comments to each other sometime we started sharing couple of secrets as well, meanwhile I forgot that she had a trick up her sleeves. I forgot that she is my friend's ex & gave her the tag of my girlfriend BUT it was nothing what I thought, it was all her conspiracy to make me fool & take out all the possible information about her ex (my friend)...I always give her that surety that I am not a lying detective bitch (this what exactly she thinks & calls me often) behind that I-wanna-be-your-friend mask but I always felt that she called me friend whenever she needed me & as her works done, she would changed, throwing nails at me she used to be someone else on the other side. May be I only wanted to go against the grain. I always tried to go beyond my call of duty just to keep a pure friendship with her but she used to get angry & abuse me at every drop of a hat irrespective how close I became to her or may be not, Jezz!! I am not a kind of a person who calls someone a friend in one blink of eyes & call the same person a bitch on the other blink,I don't forget my old friends whenever I get the new one.. No! I always have given equal priorities to all my friends who are close to me (friends who are much more than my so called friends).Yeah, I agree sometime things used to slip out of my tongue which always pulled her back to her past where she'd find herself clinging with her old memories spent with my friend (the guy), I was & I am sorry for that, I really am. For me they were just like a perfect couple & its hard for me to accept that they are not made for each other, so I can just imagine the amount of pain she must have had gone through whenever he is been discussed.. & I feel her.. Becoming her friend was utterly my choice, not someone's conspiracy. Gone were those days when he used to talk about her throughout the day & I used to assure him that I will try my best to get her back in his life,things have changed, he has changed & so are my thoughts. Now I don't attach two of'em in any chapter, I have stopped seeing them as my idol couple.
Few days back, my brain gave me a recall about this girl's birthday, I knew our friendship is over, she had already called me a bitch.. The string was already broken. Not even being a girl attach me with her anymore, but I really like her, I keep my friendship with no string attached no matter whatever they tell me or call me (I am already become a bitch for pouring my heart out for her) Anyway *move my hand dismissively* It was her birthday & being not in touch with her since a very long time & having a very bad closure to our friendship, I thought to give my piece of best wishes to her & I what I got?? A full bucket of insults in return. I know it was supposed to happen but I did ain't like it nevertheless. Wishing her on her birthday was the worst thing I did to myself, like that it was not a good experience to have her bad mouth, on top of that my birthday wish (even if it after a year) had put the final nail on the coffin. Bas hona kya tha, she blurted it out on me AGHAIN & started swearing like a truck driver. This time I did not waited anymore to be called something which I am not. She said so bad to worst things to me that this time she admittedly crossed her limit, I am not the one who creates problem or falls into one but trust me I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. This time I had to show her that if I am a bitch then it always takes one to know one, & you should really know this Miss-ungrateful-egoist-stone hearted-insensitive-degraded-hussy!!!!! I will not say I did not say anything bad to her, but I think its never bad to give someone a dose of their own medicine & TRUST me I did not feel good to do that but if I wouldn't say anything, it would be shame for me that I can't fight for myself & let other throw cold water at me.Nah, I ain't that Invertebrate.
            Huuuuuuge< insert a wail here> *arm outstretched* conversation occurred place between us, & there was only war & no peace. I tried my hard not to keep any bitterness for her inside me neither wanted her to keep any ill feeling for me, but its not what the situation demanded, I guess we were destined to be strangers forever or 'ENEMIES' sounds more suitable.
Sometime its much better to keep few people in the picture frame of our memory & never try to break the glass to see them more clearly, we might effect the picture as well instead. I have realised that you do not deserve good people in your life.Its quite late though.

You don't deserve me & my friendship, I lovingly welcome you in my "Black List"
Sent from BlackBerry® on Airtel.