Its so late I'm not sleepy, no, its not due to Insomnia, I'm not an insomniac, I am "homesick".
It
never happened that I stayed away from my family ever, but in past few
days something happened in my life which has led me to this situation
where no one is close to me except my pillow and my Blackberry. Few days back I had a
fight with my mom, the reason was so stupid and invalid (I don't want my mum to appeared as so stupid by telling y'all the reason) and I know things wouldn't
have taken this shape if my younger siblings haven't intervened. I,a
kind of a girl who keeps calm when my parent shout at'em, never talk
back but this time I went against myself and I got myself belted with mother! I fought for only one demand, and all I demanded is the same respect from my younger siblings which I pay to my parent (I am like a parent to'em as I am
the eldest among all), but when I see things going too beyond my
limits, I throw my hands up!! They always take me for granted and its
just becuz I have never behaved an elder sissy to'em doesn't mean they
will disgrace me in such a pathetic way, that is totally beyond the
pale. I always told mumma if my siblings don't know how to give an amount
of respect I deserve, then I do not think I'd be staying in this house
anymore, I asked her to warn'em but she did not. Aaaaand then I exaggerated the matter, the
biiiig argument took place between me and mumma, which led to a big
fight due to the interruption of my siblings, and I at last had to leave
my house, I do not blame mother for whatever had happened , I will not
complain that why didn't she stopped me to leave, why didn't she told my kinfolk
to shut their big-fat-smelly-gob, why didn't she tell them to ask for n
apology to me as they were talking and fighting with their big sister, I
have always tried to be a good and a responsible sister to'em, I have left no leaves unturned jus to make'em smile and happy, I have
never a bad- mouthed in front of'em, I always respect them as my dearest brother and sister, I always wanted to keep a sister cum friend relationship with'em and THERE where I failed :( They are so ungrateful. I will never ask
mumma that why she shouted and told me to "get out of the house". I know
she did what was right for the situation. As I said I don't get angry
so fast , I try to ignore fights and argument BUT when it hits me I
just don't care about the consequences. That moment I was angry cuz of
my mother's taciturnity as well as hurt cuz my siblings just went on and
on, they did not stop throwing cold water at me. I was crying and shivering, I
dunno shivering out of anger or emotion? I really dunno that. There were so many emotions which were bubbling beneath the surface. But yea I know that at that
point anger got the best of me and I rebelliously took the decision of
leaving house. It was 1200 hrs at night I came out of my house without
thinking where would I go, what will I do next. I--I-I just left. I went
out to the road, it was so dark and silence. I felt like I had been
fallen down from a parachute and trying to find out a way to go out of
this isolated area. I felt like a traveler with in the midst of a desert, I felt like I am lost in a jungle with no maps and direction. But there is a saying "jiska koi nahi hota, uska
khuda hota hai" (he who has God, has no despair) I felt so lucky when I
saw a cab down the road, I felt relax, I did not know where I would be
going. *Tring-ring* Baby's number appeared on my mobile screen having a wallpaper of me hugging my mum. Tear ran down my cheeks. I was not surprised when his call came to ask me what happened,
as I knew someone has already played the part of a snitch-bitch from my family.
I told him everything, until now he had just heard the one sided story
which mumma narrated to him, being little annoyed with the incident I
taunted him crankily "didn't mumma not tell you the story of
Mahabharat in our house??" I can never control the bitch inside me!! He said he wanted to hear my part of
story as well. I said whatever happened
and I tell y'll I never uttered a lie.
He did not ask me anymore questions, did not stick his opinions on me,
he just said "ghar aa jaon, mere paas" (come to me, at my place) I was
presuming he would ask me to go back home but when he said those
comforting words to my ears I felt so blessed. Praise to Jezz as he is
the source of such people. He is so supportive I swear.
Kolkata is still safe somewhere
, When I reached his place I did not call mumma, I did not even let baby call and inform her that I am safe now, Let her tear her hair thinking where I'd vanished in that mid of the night. I jus felt to severe the tie with my mum but I didn't cuz I knew, she is not wrong, we all are her children and she
cant be bias to anyone, may be it was her confidence on me that she
thought I will be able to make it and yes she
was is right. Anyway, after 2 days staying at baby's place I decided to move in to a new house, of course In my new house! *flummoxed* whoa whoa whoa, hold on sweople, I am not too rich to buy a house or flat, I know it take an arm and a leg. I decided to take a flat on lease. Touchwood I have saved money for a rainy day. Thank to my
bestie who taught me to save money saying that you never know when life takes a bad turn, He taught me to save money! I'm blessed to have him, what does he say, aah
Alhamdulillah.
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| my backbone and my support system |
I took my bag (which hardly had any useful
stuffs except my phone and wallet) and reached is home in a cab.
So ladies and gentlemen I have bought a home sweet home for myself with my OWN money. Really hard earn money always pays well. But I was never a person who follows a penny saved is a penny earn types shit, Errr... but I will have to say.. It does have a lot of meaning and the truth inside. Buying a new house was a problem, ya'knw like searching a better house with a better room condition and with the bestest localities and a friendly environment. Though I have succeeded but then staying alone is a great task for me, I who never ever stayed away from a family, from my mum, how am I gonna manage ya?? I kid you not, staying alone is more painful than getting hurt. How will I do it...?? I feel scared, insecure and incomplete without my mum, I remember when she used to leave me home alone when she used to visit nanna sometime, even then also I used to
maska maaro (butter polishing) my girlfriend to stay over my place. And now how will I do it, God, please help. give me the strength to fight with my loneliness. Last night was the first night in my new house and I was not getting sleep, Yes,
I ain't sleepy. I wanted to talk to someone & keep me busy till the
dawn. I wanted to call someone, a friend who asks me why I was I awake so late. A
friend who talks to me and never feel irritated as my nonsense talk keep him/her awake. Its not that I did not try to reach my
friends, I tried calling few, some of'em had became deaf my their ear
& some of'em had became deaf by their heart. Some had kept their
phone silence by routine & some has kept it dumb by purpose, there
are friends whom I could call, but I knew, among'em few are the ones I
did't wanna disturb & few are the ones who wouldn't wanna get disturbed
by me and that unearthly hours! Its very easy to call for someone when u're in need but its takes
a true heart to give answer when u're called for help, It takes one blink of assurance to convey the word "I am there".
My homesickness is teaching me lot of things. It has showed me the
difference between a true friend & a fair-weather friend. I have realized that "when some one falls down, there are many hands to push it
down, but when one wants to get up & rise, there is not even a
single finger to give it the support it needs." THIS IS WORLD, A SELFISH
WORLD AND I BELONG TO THIS WORLD.
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| No matter what, I love my Mum |
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| Miss you Appa |
I miss mum, I am helpless I cannot go to her, I want her to make my siblings realize that they are wrong, to ask'em to say sorry to me, and tell me (I don't even want'em to beg or request) to come back HOME. I miss my Appa (dad), I am he would never let things happened like this if he would be here, He would have given a karara chamaat (tight slap) on my brother's black cheek and would have turned it red!! I miss you Dad, I can feel the lack of you presence. God gives peace to your soul. I will never go back unless they do not come to me, Its nothing about ego guys, this time I have kept my dignity and my self respect at stake.
